"Our db queries are problematic. Need to be of higher order thinking. Will try to get help tmr." sms msg from my project mate.
Yah... right... considering that I wrote those queries for the database... i am obviously from the lower order thinking group. Ok, don't even comment on that particular statement. Uh! Zip! Shush!
Before you continue about how I am actually of a lower order thinking group:
Quality of written queries
4 - Queries interrelate information in several fields and call for inferences or higher order
thinking
3 - Queries interrelate number of fields, do not always require inferences or higher order
thinking skills
2 - Queries interrelate only two fields, call for classification learning
1 - Queries related to single field, require only "looking up" skills
[Extract from my lecturer's set of rubrics.]
It pains me to admit that I was only targetting 3. But noo... she's not allowing me to get away with it. But, my queries did interrelate a number of fields. Seriously, I don't know why she's doing this to me. And, I feel really bad about being such an idiot that she ends up having to do most of the work.
But, like my mum said, she's ALMOST old enough to be my mum... eat salt more than I eat rice. Just because we're taking the course together, does not make me any smarter, or wiser. I shdn't complain when someone wants to help me get an A.
Crap... and frankly, I don't understand why I am feeling bad. It's good that she's forever targetting the 4s in the rubric system. It's just me... "turn cow's horn tip"
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It's been quite some time since I have decided to blog twice in a day. Ratings would probably go up since I am going to be stationed back in office again. Wahahaha....
31 January 2005
29 January 2005
Nerd
Once again...
I have revealed myself to be a nerd... wahahaha.. why?
went for an obligatory outing with my orientation group (from work, in case you were wondering). but, there was:
1) a slight difference in age. Me being older by about 1-2 years. Which I am ok with, what's 1/2 years eh? but the problem comes from the fact that they're not v mature. ie. when you're young, and smart, and the whole world is at your feet, a certain swelling around the head is to be expected. So, while I was largely able to converse with them, it was not without a certain amount of disgust from my end on their view of the world, as they see it. Which is that they are damn bloody smart and cool, and if the whole world does not fall at their feet because they're smart and beautiful, then they're to be bitched at. Alternatively, if you fall at their feet, then you're to be bitched at and stepped on, cuz that makes you a loser.
Ok.. disgust is too strong a word. I am just a wee-bit put off. But hey, I was always the nerd, and nerds don't view the world the same way. We nerds view the world, with a certain amount of angst, having always been left out of the "happening" side of things.
In fact, this reminds me of my college days, when I was the nerd, a lumpy fat piece of shit, yes, I think back fondly of my college days like that. Whatever was left of my self esteem was crushed back in those days. When guys were all "lookalistic" (hey, I coined this term, cool right? it means, they judge everything based on how pretty and cool the girl was)... so fat lumpy pieces of shit like me were out of the equation, we were ignored, stomped at and generally either pitied or jeered at. Fellow lumpy pieces of shit came together, and together, we formed the group, called "the losers."
ANYWAY... I am older, wiser, and with a slightly improved sense of self-worth these days, I still feel lumpy and fat, but not so much a shit head. so, I was able to take the fact that these people like to "chiong". (For the benefit of the non_sing readers, if there are any, chiong means to go clubbing, pubbing, drinking, etc) Now, as you ALL know, I do drink, mostly caffeine related, and sometimes alcohol related drinks too. But I don't "chiong". I can keep a beat, I sing well, but I don't dance. I remind myself of a spastic idiot when I dance. Of course, I can drink and if I am drunk enough, I probably could force myself to churn out a move or two. But rule of thumb is, I don't allow myself to get drunk publicly. I can get drunk at my home, or at a friend's place, but not in public.
But still, I allowed myself to get coerced into heading for a pub/club, at the tallest building in sing (previously), new place. And I became, once again, the Bag Guardian. Now how loser and nerd can that be right? Ah well, I was also one of those who left early. hahah.. that is wayyy loser. But, didn't feel the need to put a further dent into my already severely dented armour right?
Eh, damn, I forgot I was listing my list of why I was a nerd. okok...
2) I didn't enjoy myself bitching... I really didn't. We had dinner, then went for coffee. Where, I sat with some girls at one end. They were bitching. and to be fair, they were well aware that they were bitching. Does that make them less hypocritical? I don't know. Anyway, I was listening, and laughing (wouldn't want to seem out of p[lace now, would I?), but deep inside, there was this fear. Fear of being the one on the receiving end of the gossip and bitching. Fear that I would be found out as a nerd.
I couldn't help it, I wanted to preach... but I managed to control my instinct, it's not cool to preach. it makes you seem old.
And then, I became a bit sarcastic. I couldn't help it.. I made some remarks that were a bit sarcastic, both agreeing and laughing at them at the same time. Sighh... I have sooo killed myself. Ah well... I could't help it. It was either that, or I would start taking them to task and start preaching, which of course, I have absolutely no right to, and I would hate myself if I did that to myself too.
OK... that's the list. But something came to mind... so I shall digress.
Do I preach? I think I am a very preachy person, all ready to dispense advice, wanted and unwanted. I am such a preacher.. bad habit. I should stop it. I think, subconsciously, I have realised this. But I am only really admitting it now.
Ok, So I shall stop. Preaching that is. I hate people who preach. I SHALL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.
I have revealed myself to be a nerd... wahahaha.. why?
went for an obligatory outing with my orientation group (from work, in case you were wondering). but, there was:
1) a slight difference in age. Me being older by about 1-2 years. Which I am ok with, what's 1/2 years eh? but the problem comes from the fact that they're not v mature. ie. when you're young, and smart, and the whole world is at your feet, a certain swelling around the head is to be expected. So, while I was largely able to converse with them, it was not without a certain amount of disgust from my end on their view of the world, as they see it. Which is that they are damn bloody smart and cool, and if the whole world does not fall at their feet because they're smart and beautiful, then they're to be bitched at. Alternatively, if you fall at their feet, then you're to be bitched at and stepped on, cuz that makes you a loser.
Ok.. disgust is too strong a word. I am just a wee-bit put off. But hey, I was always the nerd, and nerds don't view the world the same way. We nerds view the world, with a certain amount of angst, having always been left out of the "happening" side of things.
In fact, this reminds me of my college days, when I was the nerd, a lumpy fat piece of shit, yes, I think back fondly of my college days like that. Whatever was left of my self esteem was crushed back in those days. When guys were all "lookalistic" (hey, I coined this term, cool right? it means, they judge everything based on how pretty and cool the girl was)... so fat lumpy pieces of shit like me were out of the equation, we were ignored, stomped at and generally either pitied or jeered at. Fellow lumpy pieces of shit came together, and together, we formed the group, called "the losers."
ANYWAY... I am older, wiser, and with a slightly improved sense of self-worth these days, I still feel lumpy and fat, but not so much a shit head. so, I was able to take the fact that these people like to "chiong". (For the benefit of the non_sing readers, if there are any, chiong means to go clubbing, pubbing, drinking, etc) Now, as you ALL know, I do drink, mostly caffeine related, and sometimes alcohol related drinks too. But I don't "chiong". I can keep a beat, I sing well, but I don't dance. I remind myself of a spastic idiot when I dance. Of course, I can drink and if I am drunk enough, I probably could force myself to churn out a move or two. But rule of thumb is, I don't allow myself to get drunk publicly. I can get drunk at my home, or at a friend's place, but not in public.
But still, I allowed myself to get coerced into heading for a pub/club, at the tallest building in sing (previously), new place. And I became, once again, the Bag Guardian. Now how loser and nerd can that be right? Ah well, I was also one of those who left early. hahah.. that is wayyy loser. But, didn't feel the need to put a further dent into my already severely dented armour right?
Eh, damn, I forgot I was listing my list of why I was a nerd. okok...
2) I didn't enjoy myself bitching... I really didn't. We had dinner, then went for coffee. Where, I sat with some girls at one end. They were bitching. and to be fair, they were well aware that they were bitching. Does that make them less hypocritical? I don't know. Anyway, I was listening, and laughing (wouldn't want to seem out of p[lace now, would I?), but deep inside, there was this fear. Fear of being the one on the receiving end of the gossip and bitching. Fear that I would be found out as a nerd.
I couldn't help it, I wanted to preach... but I managed to control my instinct, it's not cool to preach. it makes you seem old.
And then, I became a bit sarcastic. I couldn't help it.. I made some remarks that were a bit sarcastic, both agreeing and laughing at them at the same time. Sighh... I have sooo killed myself. Ah well... I could't help it. It was either that, or I would start taking them to task and start preaching, which of course, I have absolutely no right to, and I would hate myself if I did that to myself too.
OK... that's the list. But something came to mind... so I shall digress.
Do I preach? I think I am a very preachy person, all ready to dispense advice, wanted and unwanted. I am such a preacher.. bad habit. I should stop it. I think, subconsciously, I have realised this. But I am only really admitting it now.
Ok, So I shall stop. Preaching that is. I hate people who preach. I SHALL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.
25 January 2005
crap crap and more crap
If I wasn't so high on caffeine, and reading random blogs, I would be in a really foul mood.
Foul cuz I am still rushing furiously to finish my project, from the extra semester that I took. Foul cuz, I shd be doing my project work instead of reading random blogs. But blog reading, especially from really popular writers is addictive. Never realised that the human mind can be so depraved... or that I have led such a sheltered life. I am such a freaking goodytwoshoes, I should kill myself for the loss of my life, if I had one.
But... but... it's only 1:00am in the morning. You have stayed up wayyy past that before, without blinking. Yeah.. look at me... I am a loser, and I hold a job that requires me to freaking wake up at 630am in the morning. I have 5 hours of sleep left, and probably less than that, since I am writing a blog now, instead of clearing up my project. hahahaa...
I am such a crap head.
I am under immense stress... actually, it is all self-inflicted... but HEY!!! Whoever said that self-inflicted stress is less stressful than... say... non-self-inflicted stress? (damn that is a lot of dashes)
I have been having nickelback and metallica on repeat mode for the good past 4 hours. Since I embarked on the hereculean task of trying to finish my project. It is soo late (by my standard these days) that my lecturer from the other end of the world has time to email me with more work for my current ongoing module. Somebody, tell me I am brilliant, that I am a genius, and that it will all be a breeze?
No?
Yah... wish I was a genius... *stabs at the only Mensa-ian friend I have*... gimme some of that genius pls...
Have I mentioned that my current colleague has had her honours paper selected, and she's going to present it at some conference in the US of A?? Have I also mentioned that I am increasingly starting to feel like an idiot in my current company?
Me... the happy B grader. I just read this somewhere... (and yes, I am very talented in the field of procrastination) about how you shd be truthful about who and what you are. Be happy with what you are. If you're not, change it. But never deceive yourself.
Then you wonder... but reality is a very bitter pill to swallow. Don't you think? Like, my opinion of myself is that I am a B-Grader. Good, but never good enough. Of course, I know, I am better than 3/4 of the world, and worse than 1/4... or something along the lines. But I do not belong to the top 25% of the world... I AM NOT HAPPY.
Because, I want to be in the top 1/4 of the world. I want to be smart.. and intelligent ... throw in rich, talented, and everything that you can think of. But life doesn't work like that.
Like someone once said, you can work damn bloody hard (not that I am working damn bloody hard at anything... heck, I have never succeeded on a diet, despite the last 27 years of trying)... determination and hardwork can only take you so far, then the rest depends on talent. I am talented enought to reach the higher rungs of the 75th percentile, but not enough to deliver me all the way to the top... then what?
Ok... morose topic. switch...
my dogs are getting along v fine. But they seem to have an issue with the cat. I wonder why... hahahahaha
and... I finally got paid... hahaha... on time too! but what do you expect from this stupid humongous big company that I have just joined right?
And.. caffeine works wonders on me. Just 4 hours ago, I was feeling damn blow morale... PMS lah.. and now, I am all hyped up.. and listening to "one" ...see... another example of talent. You can go so far with determination, the rest depends on talent. It's like nickelback... they're good, they have nice tunes, I like listening to them a lot.. but their songs are not "classic"... it will not be played ten years down the road, it will not be THE song that all aspiring guitrarist tries to pick up.
Can I write a thesis on this? I am increasingly wondering if my choice to opt for coursework instead of doing a dissertation is undermining my abilities. But I know myself... to write a thesis, requires too high a level of commitment, that I am not willing to make. Of course I can juggle work and studies, but I still want my life, boring and non-existent as it may be now... but still.. my life is still my own. Nobody or nothing can take that from me. See? Another sign of caffeine at work.. that I think I can do a dissertation. (in my saner and more coherent moments, I am well aware that I am ill-suited to doing one)
boring entry right? this blog... has
1) no humour
2) no sex
3) no men (in my life, and you can make that a singular man, and it would still be the same)
hahaha... gone case. I shall attempt to clear more of my project work. (eg. Linkin Park would be more talent than determination...) Okok... I rest my case! I am soooo full of crap tonight. And you do know that it is not me typing right? It's the caffeine.. and the lack of sleep.. and PMS and the general pissed off mood that I have waste precious sleeping type doing some project work that means nothing to me.
Foul cuz I am still rushing furiously to finish my project, from the extra semester that I took. Foul cuz, I shd be doing my project work instead of reading random blogs. But blog reading, especially from really popular writers is addictive. Never realised that the human mind can be so depraved... or that I have led such a sheltered life. I am such a freaking goodytwoshoes, I should kill myself for the loss of my life, if I had one.
But... but... it's only 1:00am in the morning. You have stayed up wayyy past that before, without blinking. Yeah.. look at me... I am a loser, and I hold a job that requires me to freaking wake up at 630am in the morning. I have 5 hours of sleep left, and probably less than that, since I am writing a blog now, instead of clearing up my project. hahahaa...
I am such a crap head.
I am under immense stress... actually, it is all self-inflicted... but HEY!!! Whoever said that self-inflicted stress is less stressful than... say... non-self-inflicted stress? (damn that is a lot of dashes)
I have been having nickelback and metallica on repeat mode for the good past 4 hours. Since I embarked on the hereculean task of trying to finish my project. It is soo late (by my standard these days) that my lecturer from the other end of the world has time to email me with more work for my current ongoing module. Somebody, tell me I am brilliant, that I am a genius, and that it will all be a breeze?
No?
Yah... wish I was a genius... *stabs at the only Mensa-ian friend I have*... gimme some of that genius pls...
Have I mentioned that my current colleague has had her honours paper selected, and she's going to present it at some conference in the US of A?? Have I also mentioned that I am increasingly starting to feel like an idiot in my current company?
Me... the happy B grader. I just read this somewhere... (and yes, I am very talented in the field of procrastination) about how you shd be truthful about who and what you are. Be happy with what you are. If you're not, change it. But never deceive yourself.
Then you wonder... but reality is a very bitter pill to swallow. Don't you think? Like, my opinion of myself is that I am a B-Grader. Good, but never good enough. Of course, I know, I am better than 3/4 of the world, and worse than 1/4... or something along the lines. But I do not belong to the top 25% of the world... I AM NOT HAPPY.
Because, I want to be in the top 1/4 of the world. I want to be smart.. and intelligent ... throw in rich, talented, and everything that you can think of. But life doesn't work like that.
Like someone once said, you can work damn bloody hard (not that I am working damn bloody hard at anything... heck, I have never succeeded on a diet, despite the last 27 years of trying)... determination and hardwork can only take you so far, then the rest depends on talent. I am talented enought to reach the higher rungs of the 75th percentile, but not enough to deliver me all the way to the top... then what?
Ok... morose topic. switch...
my dogs are getting along v fine. But they seem to have an issue with the cat. I wonder why... hahahahaha
and... I finally got paid... hahaha... on time too! but what do you expect from this stupid humongous big company that I have just joined right?
And.. caffeine works wonders on me. Just 4 hours ago, I was feeling damn blow morale... PMS lah.. and now, I am all hyped up.. and listening to "one" ...see... another example of talent. You can go so far with determination, the rest depends on talent. It's like nickelback... they're good, they have nice tunes, I like listening to them a lot.. but their songs are not "classic"... it will not be played ten years down the road, it will not be THE song that all aspiring guitrarist tries to pick up.
Can I write a thesis on this? I am increasingly wondering if my choice to opt for coursework instead of doing a dissertation is undermining my abilities. But I know myself... to write a thesis, requires too high a level of commitment, that I am not willing to make. Of course I can juggle work and studies, but I still want my life, boring and non-existent as it may be now... but still.. my life is still my own. Nobody or nothing can take that from me. See? Another sign of caffeine at work.. that I think I can do a dissertation. (in my saner and more coherent moments, I am well aware that I am ill-suited to doing one)
boring entry right? this blog... has
1) no humour
2) no sex
3) no men (in my life, and you can make that a singular man, and it would still be the same)
hahaha... gone case. I shall attempt to clear more of my project work. (eg. Linkin Park would be more talent than determination...) Okok... I rest my case! I am soooo full of crap tonight. And you do know that it is not me typing right? It's the caffeine.. and the lack of sleep.. and PMS and the general pissed off mood that I have waste precious sleeping type doing some project work that means nothing to me.
23 January 2005
Do I owe you a treat?
I wonder if... I shd be a bug... bzzzz... and go bug the company that owes me money... hahaha... yeah.. would you believe it... there's still a company out there that owes me some freelance monies... think will give them till end of the month.
But then, I am really not gonna allow them to owe me past Chinese New Year. Its pay up, or forget it. But in return for writing off this bad debt, I will write a very mean, very evil, and very very put off email to them... if they are still unable to pay me. (Yes, I know, I am evil, so sue me.) Anyway, met some ex colleagues, or rather, would call them friends... gave them a treat.. then we went ktv-ing.. that is nearing 100 down the drain. But, no regrets lah, slowly but surely, I will make it a point to treat all the friends and relatives who have treated me to meals, movies, etc while I was down and out. Haha... call it clearing bad debts....
Although, naturally, that is not the point, since we shdn't count these trivial matters, but... I really, want to thank them. And I think giving them a treat back, (and doing favours lah.. that is part and parcel of being friends anyway) is the only one that I can think of... to thank them. Actually, this is kinda weird. Cuz, if I really treated them as friends, I would not calculate so much. But I really don't want to owe people favours, or have others think that I am taking advantage of them. Ahh.... you get what I am saying right? So do I owe you a treat? It's payback time! :D Anyways, the dinner treat went terribly. hahahaa... loooong story...
But then, I am really not gonna allow them to owe me past Chinese New Year. Its pay up, or forget it. But in return for writing off this bad debt, I will write a very mean, very evil, and very very put off email to them... if they are still unable to pay me. (Yes, I know, I am evil, so sue me.) Anyway, met some ex colleagues, or rather, would call them friends... gave them a treat.. then we went ktv-ing.. that is nearing 100 down the drain. But, no regrets lah, slowly but surely, I will make it a point to treat all the friends and relatives who have treated me to meals, movies, etc while I was down and out. Haha... call it clearing bad debts....
Although, naturally, that is not the point, since we shdn't count these trivial matters, but... I really, want to thank them. And I think giving them a treat back, (and doing favours lah.. that is part and parcel of being friends anyway) is the only one that I can think of... to thank them. Actually, this is kinda weird. Cuz, if I really treated them as friends, I would not calculate so much. But I really don't want to owe people favours, or have others think that I am taking advantage of them. Ahh.... you get what I am saying right? So do I owe you a treat? It's payback time! :D Anyways, the dinner treat went terribly. hahahaa... loooong story...
17 January 2005
much ado about nothing...
I am a terrible person. I like to fret... and worry...
I should call my blog: http://worrywart.blog-city.com instead. But dun click on that... it is a non-registered blogcity site.
What have I been worrying about?
1) Owe a lot of friends treats... all my many friends and relatives who have treated me... since the day I resigned till now, finally, my first pro-rated paycheck is about to come in. Who should I treat first? Haha, worrying that nobody will call me out, cuz i) I am constantly whining about how broke I am, ii) They are always feeling "compelled" to treat me, iii) they never really know when I would be able to treat them back, since my finances are always in a constant mess.
2) Work, or the lack of it. I have heard that there will be a lot of it, so I really need not worry about it.
3) How committed should I be to work? I tend to always hold back, cuz I have never felt that they require my total mind, heart and soul. But now, for once, there's appraisal *ie. money, bonus, ranking, etc* linked to my performance. So should I go all out, but what if some people think that I am just a power hungry bitch? I.e. out to impress boss, so as to climb the ladder? Not that I am not, but hey, sincerity in friendships, and colleagueships is important to me. We're a team... (probably I am the only idiot who really thinks of working as a team, as working in a team, played too much group sports, it has addled my brains.)
4) My communication skills, and lack thereof... I have always thought myself as being rather ok, I am sociable, chatty (too chatty some may add), I don't really like meeting people, but I don't dread it. But now, in the midst of all the smart, intelligent people, who are really good at angmoh and in sarkar-ing the many big bosses around, I feel threatened and I feel trapped. Trapped in that, I too must play the "I am articulate, I am smart, I am capable, I am who you should promote" game. I dread it.
5) Clothes... and size. I feel Fatch. I do... in front of all these skinny females, I feel overweight, oily (ok lah, not really oily, more like super dry skin, the oil is inside) and repulsive. I feel like I am having a bad hair day constantly. I know... I am too sensitive, cuz the other "people of the same rank" henceforth referred to as PotSR, and trust me, there are a lot of those around... anyway, the PotSR are super confident. They walk in their stilettos with super sharp toe fronts (dun know how else to desribe this) and their smart, form fitting suits, their either, i) rebonded, ii) ceramic perm, iii) fashionably styled hair, I feel like the wimp and nerd that I am... but have been trying to hide, probably to no avail. I really admire the way, they totally don't care about how others think about them, they sound smart, while, stupid ol' me, while trying to talk to my boss, I just sound like some unsure stupid person, that I am sure she is starting to regret having hired.
6) Have I also mentioned my lack of qualifications? the minimum standards for my company is normally a 2nd upper. UPPER!!!! I don't even have fucking honours. I just have a normal degree. Granted, I am pursuing my masters now, but until I complete it, I feel like a complete moron. And fuck lah, I know deep inside that my masters program is not the best out there, and so long as you're not a complete moron (I believe I have just contradicted myself), you will be able to get your masters. It's just a matter of when.
7) Just imagine... if every conversation that you have with the people you meet inside you organization, you have to pretend to be smart and intelligent, I keep waiting for myself to get caught uttering total rubbish, or I may have, but I just don't realise it... bahh... now you can add paranoia to the list.
8) Lastly... (end on lucky 8, gonna need all the luck I can get)... why am I being such a whiny bitch? Why... I believe my monthly visitation is about to descend on me.
I am such a Brat... SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!! (and make it painless please... and quick... okok.. how about just letting me die in my sleep... oh wait! please also inform me one week in advance... so I can prepare myself... oh heck.. just kill me...)
I should call my blog: http://worrywart.blog-city.com instead. But dun click on that... it is a non-registered blogcity site.
What have I been worrying about?
1) Owe a lot of friends treats... all my many friends and relatives who have treated me... since the day I resigned till now, finally, my first pro-rated paycheck is about to come in. Who should I treat first? Haha, worrying that nobody will call me out, cuz i) I am constantly whining about how broke I am, ii) They are always feeling "compelled" to treat me, iii) they never really know when I would be able to treat them back, since my finances are always in a constant mess.
2) Work, or the lack of it. I have heard that there will be a lot of it, so I really need not worry about it.
3) How committed should I be to work? I tend to always hold back, cuz I have never felt that they require my total mind, heart and soul. But now, for once, there's appraisal *ie. money, bonus, ranking, etc* linked to my performance. So should I go all out, but what if some people think that I am just a power hungry bitch? I.e. out to impress boss, so as to climb the ladder? Not that I am not, but hey, sincerity in friendships, and colleagueships is important to me. We're a team... (probably I am the only idiot who really thinks of working as a team, as working in a team, played too much group sports, it has addled my brains.)
4) My communication skills, and lack thereof... I have always thought myself as being rather ok, I am sociable, chatty (too chatty some may add), I don't really like meeting people, but I don't dread it. But now, in the midst of all the smart, intelligent people, who are really good at angmoh and in sarkar-ing the many big bosses around, I feel threatened and I feel trapped. Trapped in that, I too must play the "I am articulate, I am smart, I am capable, I am who you should promote" game. I dread it.
5) Clothes... and size. I feel Fatch. I do... in front of all these skinny females, I feel overweight, oily (ok lah, not really oily, more like super dry skin, the oil is inside) and repulsive. I feel like I am having a bad hair day constantly. I know... I am too sensitive, cuz the other "people of the same rank" henceforth referred to as PotSR, and trust me, there are a lot of those around... anyway, the PotSR are super confident. They walk in their stilettos with super sharp toe fronts (dun know how else to desribe this) and their smart, form fitting suits, their either, i) rebonded, ii) ceramic perm, iii) fashionably styled hair, I feel like the wimp and nerd that I am... but have been trying to hide, probably to no avail. I really admire the way, they totally don't care about how others think about them, they sound smart, while, stupid ol' me, while trying to talk to my boss, I just sound like some unsure stupid person, that I am sure she is starting to regret having hired.
6) Have I also mentioned my lack of qualifications? the minimum standards for my company is normally a 2nd upper. UPPER!!!! I don't even have fucking honours. I just have a normal degree. Granted, I am pursuing my masters now, but until I complete it, I feel like a complete moron. And fuck lah, I know deep inside that my masters program is not the best out there, and so long as you're not a complete moron (I believe I have just contradicted myself), you will be able to get your masters. It's just a matter of when.
7) Just imagine... if every conversation that you have with the people you meet inside you organization, you have to pretend to be smart and intelligent, I keep waiting for myself to get caught uttering total rubbish, or I may have, but I just don't realise it... bahh... now you can add paranoia to the list.
8) Lastly... (end on lucky 8, gonna need all the luck I can get)... why am I being such a whiny bitch? Why... I believe my monthly visitation is about to descend on me.
I am such a Brat... SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!! (and make it painless please... and quick... okok.. how about just letting me die in my sleep... oh wait! please also inform me one week in advance... so I can prepare myself... oh heck.. just kill me...)
much ado about nothing...
I am a terrible person. I like to fret... and worry...
I should call my blog: http://worrywart.blog-city.com instead. But dun click on that... it is a non-registered blogcity site.
What have I been worrying about?
1) Owe a lot of friends treats... all my many friends and relatives who have treated me... since the day I resigned till now, finally, my first pro-rated paycheck is about to come in. Who should I treat first? Haha, worrying that nobody will call me out, cuz i) I am constantly whining about how broke I am, ii) They are always feeling "compelled" to treat me, iii) they never really know when I would be able to treat them back, since my finances are always in a constant mess.
2) Work, or the lack of it. I have heard that there will be a lot of it, so I really need not worry about it.
3) How committed should I be to work? I tend to always hold back, cuz I have never felt that they require my total mind, heart and soul. But now, for once, there's appraisal *ie. money, bonus, ranking, etc* linked to my performance. So should I go all out, but what if some people think that I am just a power hungry bitch? I.e. out to impress boss, so as to climb the ladder? Not that I am not, but hey, sincerity in friendships, and colleagueships is important to me. We're a team... (probably I am the only idiot who really thinks of working as a team, as working in a team, played too much group sports, it has addled my brains.)
4) My communication skills, and lack thereof... I have always thought myself as being rather ok, I am sociable, chatty (too chatty some may add), I don't really like meeting people, but I don't dread it. But now, in the midst of all the smart, intelligent people, who are really good at angmoh and in sarkar-ing the many big bosses around, I feel threatened and I feel trapped. Trapped in that, I too must play the "I am articulate, I am smart, I am capable, I am who you should promote" game. I dread it.
5) Clothes... and size. I feel Fatch. I do... in front of all these skinny females, I feel overweight, oily (ok lah, not really oily, more like super dry skin, the oil is inside) and repulsive. I feel like I am having a bad hair day constantly. I know... I am too sensitive, cuz the other "people of the same rank" henceforth referred to as PotSR, and trust me, there are a lot of those around... anyway, the PotSR are super confident. They walk in their stilettos with super sharp toe fronts (dun know how else to desribe this) and their smart, form fitting suits, their either, i) rebonded, ii) ceramic perm, iii) fashionably styled hair, I feel like the wimp and nerd that I am... but have been trying to hide, probably to no avail. I really admire the way, they totally don't care about how others think about them, they sound smart, while, stupid ol' me, while trying to talk to my boss, I just sound like some unsure stupid person, that I am sure she is starting to regret having hired.
6) Have I also mentioned my lack of qualifications? the minimum standards for my company is normally a 2nd upper. UPPER!!!! I don't even have fucking honours. I just have a normal degree. Granted, I am pursuing my masters now, but until I complete it, I feel like a complete moron. And fuck lah, I know deep inside that my masters program is not the best out there, and so long as you're not a complete moron (I believe I have just contradicted myself), you will be able to get your masters. It's just a matter of when.
7) Just imagine... if every conversation that you have with the people you meet inside you organization, you have to pretend to be smart and intelligent, I keep waiting for myself to get caught uttering total rubbish, or I may have, but I just don't realise it... bahh... now you can add paranoia to the list.
8) Lastly... (end on lucky 8, gonna need all the luck I can get)... why am I being such a whiny bitch? Why... I believe my monthly visitation is about to descend on me.
I am such a Brat... SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!! (and make it painless please... and quick... okok.. how about just letting me die in my sleep... oh wait! please also inform me one week in advance... so I can prepare myself... oh heck.. just kill me...)
I should call my blog: http://worrywart.blog-city.com instead. But dun click on that... it is a non-registered blogcity site.
What have I been worrying about?
1) Owe a lot of friends treats... all my many friends and relatives who have treated me... since the day I resigned till now, finally, my first pro-rated paycheck is about to come in. Who should I treat first? Haha, worrying that nobody will call me out, cuz i) I am constantly whining about how broke I am, ii) They are always feeling "compelled" to treat me, iii) they never really know when I would be able to treat them back, since my finances are always in a constant mess.
2) Work, or the lack of it. I have heard that there will be a lot of it, so I really need not worry about it.
3) How committed should I be to work? I tend to always hold back, cuz I have never felt that they require my total mind, heart and soul. But now, for once, there's appraisal *ie. money, bonus, ranking, etc* linked to my performance. So should I go all out, but what if some people think that I am just a power hungry bitch? I.e. out to impress boss, so as to climb the ladder? Not that I am not, but hey, sincerity in friendships, and colleagueships is important to me. We're a team... (probably I am the only idiot who really thinks of working as a team, as working in a team, played too much group sports, it has addled my brains.)
4) My communication skills, and lack thereof... I have always thought myself as being rather ok, I am sociable, chatty (too chatty some may add), I don't really like meeting people, but I don't dread it. But now, in the midst of all the smart, intelligent people, who are really good at angmoh and in sarkar-ing the many big bosses around, I feel threatened and I feel trapped. Trapped in that, I too must play the "I am articulate, I am smart, I am capable, I am who you should promote" game. I dread it.
5) Clothes... and size. I feel Fatch. I do... in front of all these skinny females, I feel overweight, oily (ok lah, not really oily, more like super dry skin, the oil is inside) and repulsive. I feel like I am having a bad hair day constantly. I know... I am too sensitive, cuz the other "people of the same rank" henceforth referred to as PotSR, and trust me, there are a lot of those around... anyway, the PotSR are super confident. They walk in their stilettos with super sharp toe fronts (dun know how else to desribe this) and their smart, form fitting suits, their either, i) rebonded, ii) ceramic perm, iii) fashionably styled hair, I feel like the wimp and nerd that I am... but have been trying to hide, probably to no avail. I really admire the way, they totally don't care about how others think about them, they sound smart, while, stupid ol' me, while trying to talk to my boss, I just sound like some unsure stupid person, that I am sure she is starting to regret having hired.
6) Have I also mentioned my lack of qualifications? the minimum standards for my company is normally a 2nd upper. UPPER!!!! I don't even have fucking honours. I just have a normal degree. Granted, I am pursuing my masters now, but until I complete it, I feel like a complete moron. And fuck lah, I know deep inside that my masters program is not the best out there, and so long as you're not a complete moron (I believe I have just contradicted myself), you will be able to get your masters. It's just a matter of when.
7) Just imagine... if every conversation that you have with the people you meet inside you organization, you have to pretend to be smart and intelligent, I keep waiting for myself to get caught uttering total rubbish, or I may have, but I just don't realise it... bahh... now you can add paranoia to the list.
8) Lastly... (end on lucky 8, gonna need all the luck I can get)... why am I being such a whiny bitch? Why... I believe my monthly visitation is about to descend on me.
I am such a Brat... SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!! (and make it painless please... and quick... okok.. how about just letting me die in my sleep... oh wait! please also inform me one week in advance... so I can prepare myself... oh heck.. just kill me...)
12 January 2005
wise or not?
after all that crap about security issues. I am here again, blogging from office. the reason being, I have nothing really important to do... so feeling quite bored.
I have small things to do, but nothing that really takes up my time... zzz....
ah...
nvm knew the tsunami would affect me... so close to heart. A good friend was actually injured.. and if it wasn't cuz I was asking her for free tickets to the weekend soccer match, (she has already given them away) I wouldn't even know... we were slated to have a gathering in Feb... so i wouldn't have known till then.
I am so glad that she only sustained minor injuries, injuries that warrants 2 weeks of mc... partially for shock too I guess... but she's still alive... and thank you god... I knew the waves were scary... but seriously, that it affected someone so close to me? that I never expected... she's safe and sound... phew...
still getting goosebumps when i think about it... brrr....
I have small things to do, but nothing that really takes up my time... zzz....
ah...
nvm knew the tsunami would affect me... so close to heart. A good friend was actually injured.. and if it wasn't cuz I was asking her for free tickets to the weekend soccer match, (she has already given them away) I wouldn't even know... we were slated to have a gathering in Feb... so i wouldn't have known till then.
I am so glad that she only sustained minor injuries, injuries that warrants 2 weeks of mc... partially for shock too I guess... but she's still alive... and thank you god... I knew the waves were scary... but seriously, that it affected someone so close to me? that I never expected... she's safe and sound... phew...
still getting goosebumps when i think about it... brrr....
11 January 2005
blog from office.. or not...
I am blogging from office. Which is crap, since I am actually typing
into a words document, which I will send to myself, then upload from
home ... as my entry for the day.
Feeling quite sian now. Cuz, not many things for me to do now... Mebbe
more at a later stage. But for now, reading up on this and that and
this and that... BORING!
Can't upload from co's comp cuz, there're some security issues,
nothing is safe anymore.
Just found out that, I probably am not eligible for the sponsorship
that my co. provides for staff when it comes to furthering their
education. Something along the lines of 5 years in the company...
Yah right, me newbie, 2-weeks old. Plus, I only have a year and a half
left to my course, a year if I have my way... by that time, I think I
shall try and get them to sponsor a doctorate program. Then you can
all call me Dr leeway...siao arh! Wahaha... you really think I want to
study that much?
I would rather learn more languages. (now my jap and deutsch is so
half bucket, I am disgusted with myself.) Learning loads of new things
since joining the company... interesting things. But not sure about how
I can contribute and enhance. I can only hope that there will be
opportunities for that. Or that I know how to try and get these
opportunities.
Still feel outside of the activities that are ongoing in the company.
Could be that they will only start dumping me with real work when I am
back from my orientation. Which lasts about 2 weeks.
I will improve! I will be promoted. (Nb. Only 1 week and 2 days old
freshie is talking big and aiming even higher... waiting for me to drop
from the tree, and hit the ground.) Bah... Think I am really nuts. Pay
raise... now that one, I am more interested in. LOW PAY HERE! ARGH! KILL
ME! I AM BROKE!
into a words document, which I will send to myself, then upload from
home ... as my entry for the day.
Feeling quite sian now. Cuz, not many things for me to do now... Mebbe
more at a later stage. But for now, reading up on this and that and
this and that... BORING!
Can't upload from co's comp cuz, there're some security issues,
nothing is safe anymore.
Just found out that, I probably am not eligible for the sponsorship
that my co. provides for staff when it comes to furthering their
education. Something along the lines of 5 years in the company...
Yah right, me newbie, 2-weeks old. Plus, I only have a year and a half
left to my course, a year if I have my way... by that time, I think I
shall try and get them to sponsor a doctorate program. Then you can
all call me Dr leeway...siao arh! Wahaha... you really think I want to
study that much?
I would rather learn more languages. (now my jap and deutsch is so
half bucket, I am disgusted with myself.) Learning loads of new things
since joining the company... interesting things. But not sure about how
I can contribute and enhance. I can only hope that there will be
opportunities for that. Or that I know how to try and get these
opportunities.
Still feel outside of the activities that are ongoing in the company.
Could be that they will only start dumping me with real work when I am
back from my orientation. Which lasts about 2 weeks.
I will improve! I will be promoted. (Nb. Only 1 week and 2 days old
freshie is talking big and aiming even higher... waiting for me to drop
from the tree, and hit the ground.) Bah... Think I am really nuts. Pay
raise... now that one, I am more interested in. LOW PAY HERE! ARGH! KILL
ME! I AM BROKE!
09 January 2005
It's Sunday again...
I have finished watching Gackt's 2004 concert... 6th day, 7th night, some performances he did on tv/music shows, and now in the midst of watching his 2003 concert...
ladies and gentlemen.. I am in love again... haha.. not that I ever fell out of love... I just sort of... shelved it...
note: there're differences to the idols that I like... most falling into the 3 mins category. I will like them.. max of a few months.. then I move on.. Gackt for me, is an ongoing thing... someone I would bother to splurge money on.. IF and WHEN I have the money. I love the man... can someone intro him to me? So that I can make him fall helplessly in love with me... and I can have him ALL TO MYSELF! wahahahhaha...
anyway... other updates, other than my imaginary non-existent love life.
New addition to my animal family... have a new dog... super old, she's probably, about 12 going on 13... and she's deaf and prob blind.. and she has BAD Breath... my friend's dog... the family wants to kick her out cuz she's old and too much trouble, ie... pee and shit...
so... new addition to my family.. hehehe... she's pretty scared now... think it will take her some time to settle down. She's really small, think of something like a minature spitz... the size of a promenarian... she's probably a cross breed.. but she's really beautiful... snow white hair...
k.. I hate to say this.. but at 1005am.. I am feeling freaking sleepy.. I ought to kick myself.. but really v sleepy..
I am so in love with Gackt... sigh... why can't he be my man? I promise I will be good... for as long as it takes wahhahaha...
ladies and gentlemen.. I am in love again... haha.. not that I ever fell out of love... I just sort of... shelved it...
note: there're differences to the idols that I like... most falling into the 3 mins category. I will like them.. max of a few months.. then I move on.. Gackt for me, is an ongoing thing... someone I would bother to splurge money on.. IF and WHEN I have the money. I love the man... can someone intro him to me? So that I can make him fall helplessly in love with me... and I can have him ALL TO MYSELF! wahahahhaha...
anyway... other updates, other than my imaginary non-existent love life.
New addition to my animal family... have a new dog... super old, she's probably, about 12 going on 13... and she's deaf and prob blind.. and she has BAD Breath... my friend's dog... the family wants to kick her out cuz she's old and too much trouble, ie... pee and shit...
so... new addition to my family.. hehehe... she's pretty scared now... think it will take her some time to settle down. She's really small, think of something like a minature spitz... the size of a promenarian... she's probably a cross breed.. but she's really beautiful... snow white hair...
k.. I hate to say this.. but at 1005am.. I am feeling freaking sleepy.. I ought to kick myself.. but really v sleepy..
I am so in love with Gackt... sigh... why can't he be my man? I promise I will be good... for as long as it takes wahhahaha...
05 January 2005
My First Day
Went in a suit... and... although some of my friends were telling me, that there was no necessity for suits, fitted tops/blouses were sufficient.. well... guess what? EVERYONE wears suits there.. yes... the full thing... the whole thang...
and... my little corner in the office... is REALLY nice.. i get a window sit.. and my area is quite large... and I get to have two visitor chairs even.. not that I am going to have any visitors... although the office environment, furniture and furnishing would have been "in" like 20 years ago, everything was in perfect working condition. let's put it this way... I look like management with that seat... hahahhahaa.... not that I am...
the people were REALLY friendly... it's really like one big happy family... i am SOOOOO impressed. no sulky faces... everyone is welcoming me on board... wah... it is quite unbelievable. I am new, so I am really waiting for the catch. but seriously, whether it's the newbs or the ancients, they all seem happy... mebbe it was worth the pay cut I took afterall... they have people who have worked 35 years there! god...that's older than I am... and they are all so nice.. and friendly. (I repeat, I am waiting for the catch, although I hope that there isn't, but it must have one right?)
my supervisor seemed strict but nice... ie. expect high standards, but not gonna kill you when you make mistakes. BUT... it'd better not be stupid mistakes... god... pls help me... from making BIG mistakes... and pls reduce the no. of small mistakes that I make.. cuz there's always a lot of those...
what can i complain about? hahaha.. I can complain about shoes. wearing heels now, for the first time in 26 years, and they're killing me, even if they're actually pumps. the fact was, I like sitting cross legged, as I am now, BUT... I have to take off my heels if I want to cross my legs in the office, and my feet STINKS! I have a very accute sense of smell.. so I KNOW... so, sigh.. how how? what is the solution? I want to take off my heels and sit cross legged... haaha.. but i cannot... solution anybody?
suits... gotta get more of those... they're gonna find out that i only have TWO sets.. hahaa... sooner or later. or rather, within the first month. we'll see.. mebbe can add one more by the end of this month. what a stupid thing to have to spend my money on... esp since I have already spent quite a sum on my existing two suits, and two blouses...
and... my little corner in the office... is REALLY nice.. i get a window sit.. and my area is quite large... and I get to have two visitor chairs even.. not that I am going to have any visitors... although the office environment, furniture and furnishing would have been "in" like 20 years ago, everything was in perfect working condition. let's put it this way... I look like management with that seat... hahahhahaa.... not that I am...
the people were REALLY friendly... it's really like one big happy family... i am SOOOOO impressed. no sulky faces... everyone is welcoming me on board... wah... it is quite unbelievable. I am new, so I am really waiting for the catch. but seriously, whether it's the newbs or the ancients, they all seem happy... mebbe it was worth the pay cut I took afterall... they have people who have worked 35 years there! god...that's older than I am... and they are all so nice.. and friendly. (I repeat, I am waiting for the catch, although I hope that there isn't, but it must have one right?)
my supervisor seemed strict but nice... ie. expect high standards, but not gonna kill you when you make mistakes. BUT... it'd better not be stupid mistakes... god... pls help me... from making BIG mistakes... and pls reduce the no. of small mistakes that I make.. cuz there's always a lot of those...
what can i complain about? hahaha.. I can complain about shoes. wearing heels now, for the first time in 26 years, and they're killing me, even if they're actually pumps. the fact was, I like sitting cross legged, as I am now, BUT... I have to take off my heels if I want to cross my legs in the office, and my feet STINKS! I have a very accute sense of smell.. so I KNOW... so, sigh.. how how? what is the solution? I want to take off my heels and sit cross legged... haaha.. but i cannot... solution anybody?
suits... gotta get more of those... they're gonna find out that i only have TWO sets.. hahaa... sooner or later. or rather, within the first month. we'll see.. mebbe can add one more by the end of this month. what a stupid thing to have to spend my money on... esp since I have already spent quite a sum on my existing two suits, and two blouses...
04 January 2005
updates... updates!!
yup yup... after two days of induction.. INDUCTION leh!!! wahahhaa... since I graduated till now, have not come across a company that's so nice, actually provide induction, and also supposed to have cadetship training somemore, for newbies. but due to some... err... reasons, I cannot go. so sad... it would have been so fun... had a terrible first day morning. everyone seemed to know someone, and I was the loner... not that I was sitting by myself or anything, since the entire place was packed with newbs... some as new as me, (ie first day) but the rest... mebbe a couple of weeks old. so i sat there... alone... then.. teabreak, but, didn't know anyone. and everyone outside were forming cliques but noone seemed to make way for me to join.. so in the end, being the loser I am, I went back to the small hall, sat alone, and started sms-ing friends, whom I knew would comfort me. hehehe. i.e. the tender hearted people. I felt so bad.. after teabreak, we were to go on a tour of something, and had to take a bus out. but, i sat alone!!! AGAIN! can you imagine, the bus make up was such that chairs were in pairs, and everyone was sitting in pairs, other than me... felt damn loser. then i became a lot more determined, there was this group of girls, and while waiting at the lobby, i planted myself next to them.. hahaa.. in a way, forced them to talk to me... actually, it was also cuz one/two of them turned to smile at me, and sort of gestured for me to join them. (^.^||) luckily... then we started on the tour of the building, and we started chatting a little more. which was...heng arh... cuz after that was lunch. and I at least had someone to lunch with. I was starting to dread having to lunch alone. following, 1.5 days went alright...no complains... it was good. then... tmr.. haha.. I finally have to report for work... gosh... new environment... meet my real colleagues and boss.. have not had the chance to pop in at all... oki.. tmr... it all begins... again... *prays hard* god, please don't let me lunch alone... and they're nice...
01 January 2005
did something fun for once...
was it really that fun? ok lah. like i said, it is the company you keep, not the parties you went to.
popped over to my friend's apartment. he got it with his sisters and they're out of town. and... he was the bartender for the night... not bad for an amateur bartender... wayyy to go!
anyway... there was a list of drinks... that he could create, and the rule was, you had to order a drink the moment you stepped in. first one, decided to stick with something safe and asked for long island tea... big mistake. wahahaha... it was so potent... diluting it with more coke didn't do anything... STRONG arh... was complaining that... there's something wrong with his shot glass... cuz, everyone had drinks that were wayy too strong.
Turned out, a slightly more "expert" friend came along, golden prawn... wahaha.. have not called him that for a long time. golden prawn started laughing and saying that dg's shotglass was a double shot. and they revealed then that by the time they were done putting the five whites into mylong island tea, there wasn't much space left for the coke. which explains a lot...
wahaha... and we went nuts. we were ordering all sorts of drinks, unpronouncable ones, simple ones, never knew a cafe orange tested that good, and they used simple 3in1 coffee at that...
we had on tv some forgettable program, some taiwanese countdown, our country had decided not to air the countdown programs out of respect to the disaster victims...
met up with some friends... didn't realised that I missed them that much... ahh... been too caught up in my own life.
mebbe I should try organizing something, before cny... if I have any energy left. stayed over, just me, a friend, at dg's place. watched return of the kings, but dg and galpal fell asleep.. which left me... i almost finished the show and it was already 5am.. took a short nap, and galpal and i let ourselves out at 630am. she had to work. poor thing...
anyway, starting to feel really apprehensive... new job starting on the 3rd... GOD I hope I do a good job.
popped over to my friend's apartment. he got it with his sisters and they're out of town. and... he was the bartender for the night... not bad for an amateur bartender... wayyy to go!
anyway... there was a list of drinks... that he could create, and the rule was, you had to order a drink the moment you stepped in. first one, decided to stick with something safe and asked for long island tea... big mistake. wahahaha... it was so potent... diluting it with more coke didn't do anything... STRONG arh... was complaining that... there's something wrong with his shot glass... cuz, everyone had drinks that were wayy too strong.
Turned out, a slightly more "expert" friend came along, golden prawn... wahaha.. have not called him that for a long time. golden prawn started laughing and saying that dg's shotglass was a double shot. and they revealed then that by the time they were done putting the five whites into mylong island tea, there wasn't much space left for the coke. which explains a lot...
wahaha... and we went nuts. we were ordering all sorts of drinks, unpronouncable ones, simple ones, never knew a cafe orange tested that good, and they used simple 3in1 coffee at that...
we had on tv some forgettable program, some taiwanese countdown, our country had decided not to air the countdown programs out of respect to the disaster victims...
met up with some friends... didn't realised that I missed them that much... ahh... been too caught up in my own life.
mebbe I should try organizing something, before cny... if I have any energy left. stayed over, just me, a friend, at dg's place. watched return of the kings, but dg and galpal fell asleep.. which left me... i almost finished the show and it was already 5am.. took a short nap, and galpal and i let ourselves out at 630am. she had to work. poor thing...
anyway, starting to feel really apprehensive... new job starting on the 3rd... GOD I hope I do a good job.
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