crap crap and more crap

If I wasn't so high on caffeine, and reading random blogs, I would be in a really foul mood.

Foul cuz I am still rushing furiously to finish my project, from the extra semester that I took. Foul cuz, I shd be doing my project work instead of reading random blogs. But blog reading, especially from really popular writers is addictive. Never realised that the human mind can be so depraved... or that I have led such a sheltered life. I am such a freaking goodytwoshoes, I should kill myself for the loss of my life, if I had one.

But... but... it's only 1:00am in the morning. You have stayed up wayyy past that before, without blinking. Yeah.. look at me... I am a loser, and I hold a job that requires me to freaking wake up at 630am in the morning. I have 5 hours of sleep left, and probably less than that, since I am writing a blog now, instead of clearing up my project. hahahaa...

I am such a crap head.

I am under immense stress... actually, it is all self-inflicted... but HEY!!! Whoever said that self-inflicted stress is less stressful than... say... non-self-inflicted stress? (damn that is a lot of dashes)

I have been having nickelback and metallica on repeat mode for the good past 4 hours. Since I embarked on the hereculean task of trying to finish my project. It is soo late (by my standard these days) that my lecturer from the other end of the world has time to email me with more work for my current ongoing module. Somebody, tell me I am brilliant, that I am a genius, and that it will all be a breeze?

No?

Yah... wish I was a genius... *stabs at the only Mensa-ian friend I have*... gimme some of that genius pls...

Have I mentioned that my current colleague has had her honours paper selected, and she's going to present it at some conference in the US of A?? Have I also mentioned that I am increasingly starting to feel like an idiot in my current company?

Me... the happy B grader. I just read this somewhere... (and yes, I am very talented in the field of procrastination) about how you shd be truthful about who and what you are. Be happy with what you are. If you're not, change it. But never deceive yourself.

Then you wonder... but reality is a very bitter pill to swallow. Don't you think? Like, my opinion of myself is that I am a B-Grader. Good, but never good enough. Of course, I know, I am better than 3/4 of the world, and worse than 1/4... or something along the lines. But I do not belong to the top 25% of the world... I AM NOT HAPPY.

Because, I want to be in the top 1/4 of the world. I want to be smart.. and intelligent ... throw in rich, talented, and everything that you can think of. But life doesn't work like that.

Like someone once said, you can work damn bloody hard (not that I am working damn bloody hard at anything... heck, I have never succeeded on a diet, despite the last 27 years of trying)... determination and hardwork can only take you so far, then the rest depends on talent. I am talented enought to reach the higher rungs of the 75th percentile, but not enough to deliver me all the way to the top... then what?

Ok... morose topic. switch...

my dogs are getting along v fine. But they seem to have an issue with the cat. I wonder why... hahahahaha

and... I finally got paid... hahaha... on time too! but what do you expect from this stupid humongous big company that I have just joined right?

And.. caffeine works wonders on me. Just 4 hours ago, I was feeling damn blow morale... PMS lah.. and now, I am all hyped up.. and listening to "one" ...see... another example of talent. You can go so far with determination, the rest depends on talent. It's like nickelback... they're good, they have nice tunes, I like listening to them a lot.. but their songs are not "classic"... it will not be played ten years down the road, it will not be THE song that all aspiring guitrarist tries to pick up.

Can I write a thesis on this? I am increasingly wondering if my choice to opt for coursework instead of doing a dissertation is undermining my abilities. But I know myself... to write a thesis, requires too high a level of commitment, that I am not willing to make. Of course I can juggle work and studies, but I still want my life, boring and non-existent as it may be now... but still.. my life is still my own. Nobody or nothing can take that from me. See? Another sign of caffeine at work.. that I think I can do a dissertation. (in my saner and more coherent moments, I am well aware that I am ill-suited to doing one)

boring entry right? this blog... has

1) no humour

2) no sex

3) no men (in my life, and you can make that a singular man, and it would still be the same)

hahaha... gone case. I shall attempt to clear more of my project work. (eg. Linkin Park would be more talent than determination...) Okok... I rest my case! I am soooo full of crap tonight. And you do know that it is not me typing right? It's the caffeine.. and the lack of sleep.. and PMS and the general pissed off mood that I have waste precious sleeping type doing some project work that means nothing to me.