much ado about nothing...

I am a terrible person. I like to fret... and worry...

I should call my blog: http://worrywart.blog-city.com instead. But dun click on that... it is a non-registered blogcity site.

What have I been worrying about?

1) Owe a lot of friends treats... all my many friends and relatives who have treated me... since the day I resigned till now, finally, my first pro-rated paycheck is about to come in. Who should I treat first? Haha, worrying that nobody will call me out, cuz i) I am constantly whining about how broke I am, ii) They are always feeling "compelled" to treat me, iii) they never really know when I would be able to treat them back, since my finances are always in a constant mess.

2) Work, or the lack of it. I have heard that there will be a lot of it, so I really need not worry about it.

3) How committed should I be to work? I tend to always hold back, cuz I have never felt that they require my total mind, heart and soul. But now, for once, there's appraisal *ie. money, bonus, ranking, etc* linked to my performance. So should I go all out, but what if some people think that I am just a power hungry bitch? I.e. out to impress boss, so as to climb the ladder? Not that I am not, but hey, sincerity in friendships, and colleagueships is important to me. We're a team... (probably I am the only idiot who really thinks of working as a team, as working in a team, played too much group sports, it has addled my brains.)

4) My communication skills, and lack thereof... I have always thought myself as being rather ok, I am sociable, chatty (too chatty some may add), I don't really like meeting people, but I don't dread it. But now, in the midst of all the smart, intelligent people, who are really good at angmoh and in sarkar-ing the many big bosses around, I feel threatened and I feel trapped. Trapped in that, I too must play the "I am articulate, I am smart, I am capable, I am who you should promote" game. I dread it.

5) Clothes... and size. I feel Fatch. I do... in front of all these skinny females, I feel overweight, oily (ok lah, not really oily, more like super dry skin, the oil is inside) and repulsive. I feel like I am having a bad hair day constantly. I know... I am too sensitive, cuz the other "people of the same rank" henceforth referred to as PotSR, and trust me, there are a lot of those around... anyway, the PotSR are super confident. They walk in their stilettos with super sharp toe fronts (dun know how else to desribe this) and their smart, form fitting suits, their either, i) rebonded, ii) ceramic perm, iii) fashionably styled hair, I feel like the wimp and nerd that I am... but have been trying to hide, probably to no avail. I really admire the way, they totally don't care about how others think about them, they sound smart, while, stupid ol' me, while trying to talk to my boss, I just sound like some unsure stupid person, that I am sure she is starting to regret having hired.

6) Have I also mentioned my lack of qualifications? the minimum standards for my company is normally a 2nd upper. UPPER!!!! I don't even have fucking honours. I just have a normal degree. Granted, I am pursuing my masters now, but until I complete it, I feel like a complete moron. And fuck lah, I know deep inside that my masters program is not the best out there, and so long as you're not a complete moron (I believe I have just contradicted myself), you will be able to get your masters. It's just a matter of when.

7) Just imagine... if every conversation that you have with the people you meet inside you organization, you have to pretend to be smart and intelligent, I keep waiting for myself to get caught uttering total rubbish, or I may have, but I just don't realise it... bahh... now you can add paranoia to the list.

8) Lastly... (end on lucky 8, gonna need all the luck I can get)... why am I being such a whiny bitch? Why... I believe my monthly visitation is about to descend on me.

I am such a Brat... SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!! (and make it painless please... and quick... okok.. how about just letting me die in my sleep... oh wait! please also inform me one week in advance... so I can prepare myself... oh heck.. just kill me...)