Nerd

Once again...

I have revealed myself to be a nerd... wahahaha.. why?

went for an obligatory outing with my orientation group (from work, in case you were wondering). but, there was:

1) a slight difference in age. Me being older by about 1-2 years. Which I am ok with, what's 1/2 years eh? but the problem comes from the fact that they're not v mature. ie. when you're young, and smart, and the whole world is at your feet, a certain swelling around the head is to be expected. So, while I was largely able to converse with them, it was not without a certain amount of disgust from my end on their view of the world, as they see it. Which is that they are damn bloody smart and cool, and if the whole world does not fall at their feet because they're smart and beautiful, then they're to be bitched at. Alternatively, if you fall at their feet, then you're to be bitched at and stepped on, cuz that makes you a loser.

Ok.. disgust is too strong a word. I am just a wee-bit put off. But hey, I was always the nerd, and nerds don't view the world the same way. We nerds view the world, with a certain amount of angst, having always been left out of the "happening" side of things.

In fact, this reminds me of my college days, when I was the nerd, a lumpy fat piece of shit, yes, I think back fondly of my college days like that. Whatever was left of my self esteem was crushed back in those days. When guys were all "lookalistic" (hey, I coined this term, cool right? it means, they judge everything based on how pretty and cool the girl was)... so fat lumpy pieces of shit like me were out of the equation, we were ignored, stomped at and generally either pitied or jeered at. Fellow lumpy pieces of shit came together, and together, we formed the group, called "the losers."

ANYWAY... I am older, wiser, and with a slightly improved sense of self-worth these days, I still feel lumpy and fat, but not so much a shit head. so, I was able to take the fact that these people like to "chiong". (For the benefit of the non_sing readers, if there are any, chiong means to go clubbing, pubbing, drinking, etc) Now, as you ALL know, I do drink, mostly caffeine related, and sometimes alcohol related drinks too. But I don't "chiong". I can keep a beat, I sing well, but I don't dance. I remind myself of a spastic idiot when I dance. Of course, I can drink and if I am drunk enough, I probably could force myself to churn out a move or two. But rule of thumb is, I don't allow myself to get drunk publicly. I can get drunk at my home, or at a friend's place, but not in public.

But still, I allowed myself to get coerced into heading for a pub/club, at the tallest building in sing (previously), new place. And I became, once again, the Bag Guardian. Now how loser and nerd can that be right? Ah well, I was also one of those who left early. hahah.. that is wayyy loser. But, didn't feel the need to put a further dent into my already severely dented armour right?

Eh, damn, I forgot I was listing my list of why I was a nerd. okok...

2) I didn't enjoy myself bitching... I really didn't. We had dinner, then went for coffee. Where, I sat with some girls at one end. They were bitching. and to be fair, they were well aware that they were bitching. Does that make them less hypocritical? I don't know. Anyway, I was listening, and laughing (wouldn't want to seem out of p[lace now, would I?), but deep inside, there was this fear. Fear of being the one on the receiving end of the gossip and bitching. Fear that I would be found out as a nerd.

I couldn't help it, I wanted to preach... but I managed to control my instinct, it's not cool to preach. it makes you seem old.

And then, I became a bit sarcastic. I couldn't help it.. I made some remarks that were a bit sarcastic, both agreeing and laughing at them at the same time. Sighh... I have sooo killed myself. Ah well... I could't help it. It was either that, or I would start taking them to task and start preaching, which of course, I have absolutely no right to, and I would hate myself if I did that to myself too.

OK... that's the list. But something came to mind... so I shall digress.

Do I preach? I think I am a very preachy person, all ready to dispense advice, wanted and unwanted. I am such a preacher.. bad habit. I should stop it. I think, subconsciously, I have realised this. But I am only really admitting it now.

Ok, So I shall stop. Preaching that is. I hate people who preach. I SHALL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.