there are days... when working is not possible

There are times when... working is just not possible. And... today, is one of those days.

Physically: My body feels like it wants to give up on me. Energy level is super low. Probably in the red-alert zone. Cuz, I think I didn't sleep well last night, and I had to wake up earlier than normal today, cuz there was a dialogue session with my division that I had to attend today. In addition, I was pretending to read through some course materials for my essay that I have to rush this weekend, and at the same time, I was watching an anime "Wolf's Rain"... wah.. I love wolves, I love dogs, when I saw a wolf shot (although he didn't die later), I almost cried! and this is just anime, ladies and gentlemen... hehehe... ok.. low energy level... but the good thing is, I think the rest of my colleagues, those that went for the dialogue session anyway, all seem to be feeling this way. Even le'bitch. but then, le'bitch seems to be in a weird mood. But I am just too tired to bother about it, so long as it doesn't affect me. Anyway, having a splitting headache, and I am wondering if I'm falling sick again, cuz I sorta sense something striking at me again... GO AWAY you evil virus!

Mentally: I just feel like throwing in the towel sometimes. I know, I am having my moment of weakness, and yes, I know, I am only 6 months into my current job. But I feel like, I have learnt enough not so good things about this company, that disheartens me already. Or mebbe it's just me today.

1) Only scholars rise really fast. I mean, I know, this is general for most govt like agencies here in SIN, but still, it's kinda disappointing to hear of it being admitted openly.

2) If you're not a scholar, then you have to be damn hardworking, damn talented, damn lucky, damn high in IQ and EQ, else forget it. Be content to just rise v slowly, and get those little annual increments, no promotions for you.

3) When I feel like such a kuching kurup (small fry), in this organization. Sometimes I am left gasping for breath, and wondering why I am doing things that I am doing, and how it relates to the organization at large. Ok, amend that. I know why I am doing the things I am doing, I have enough of a helicopter view to be able to see things like that. But to me, it's important that the organization/company that I am helping is one, where I feel like it's worth something to help. It's just today...

4) Apparently, there is this unspoken rule. Newbie's appraisal will be a grade C... cuz no one's supposed to get As... and/or that B is for people who are here longest, Bs are the average grade for most people.. As are for people who are on the way up. And much as I hate to admit it, I think I am probably just average. Mediocre. I hate mediocrity.

5) I want more exciting projects. the ones I have on hand are quite boring, i dun get to travel... I want to travel. I'm bored. It's not so much the travelling. The projects I have onhand, mebbe I am just too free. Tied up doing mundane things. I want Big Exciting Projects. Those that I get a high from doing. Where I can SEE the contribution I am making. JOB SATISFACTION. (okok... i admit, mine's not all that bad. I repeat! It's just today)

Anyway.. as you can see, this blog is obviously a damn bloody sian blog, to reflect my state of mind. I am waiting for the time when I pack up and go home.

Today, I saw an advert on jobstreet, Head, Learning and Development & Manager, Learning and Development, for some bank. I was tempted. So tempted, I thrashed my mail. Else, I would think all day about it, and wonder if I ought to give it a shot.

Obviously, it's out of sight, but not out of mind, since I am still thinking about it. I am only 6 months into my job. I have not even confirmed my job. I am in serious trouble if 6 months down, I am bored. But frankly? It's just today.

I'll be over it tomorrow. Or not. But you'll get to read about it anyhow... Lemme have the strength and patience to stay here for 2 years. Lemme add something of substance to my resume. Lemme do my work! Else I will die tmr. haha... mebbe I shdn't attempt to do my essay tonight. I shd just let my brain rest. Else, if I have "can't work" syndrome again tmr, my work is REALLY going to pile up.