So here I am, home after an overly abundant dinner with MLSA, on a Friday night. I am waiting for the heater to well, heat up the water so that I can shower, and then walk the dog, and then, depending on my mood, surf more, or jump into bed.
And I was ruminating again (as I am oft apt to do) about the whole resignation saga that I went through midweek. Despite the numerous times that I have been through it, the whole incident was still able to somehow leave me with a splitting migraine, which is now into it's third day. And yes, panadol popping (even though I know I really shouldn't) is now in full swing. I tried the first day not to eat it, the throbbing was so bad that I was starting to feel like vomiting.
And so... I resigned on a dreary Wednesday evening, way after working hours, as I was waiting for the boss to come back from a late meeting that she was attending. I had planned to resign on a Thursday, but I had realized midway into Wednesday that I had back-to-back-to-back meetings slotted on a Thursday and knowing my boss' schedule is usually also very packed, I realized to my horror that I had no time to resign! Seriously, it would be very tough to find the time to resign between meetings, and the chances that my boss would be in her cubicle so that I can resign was extremely low.
And so, on that dreary Wednesday evening, I waited for her return, and after talking shop for about five minutes upon her return, I asked if she was in a hurry to get home. She said no, and I said, okay.
I ran back to my desk and got the letter. And... despite all the stories that I had posted on my blog, and various other mediums about what a cold hearted woman she can be, she was so shocked when I popped back into her cubi with the infamous white envelope in her hands that she said, "Oh no.... why?" and promptly burst into tears.
I. WAS. SHOCKED. I really was, I mean, I have seen various other colleagues resigning before me and never before, had I seen such a response. It shows that, even though I thought I was doing a shitty job of hiding the fact that I am about to leave, and of my unhappiness, I must have done a much better job than I thought, as she was really very shocked and upset by my resignation. I have never seen her cry, and I seriously, just sat down, and kept muttering, "I am so sorry, I am very sorry..."
I have to explain her shock to all of you. The truth is, I had just been promoted and I had also just received a rather hefty (hefty to me that is) pay raise. I had stayed on as I was waiting for my bonus, and then move on to my new organization. I don't think I was being tagged as the person in danger of leaving. Truth of course is that the promotion is a little too late, the damage (emotional and financial) was already done in 2010, when I was pretty insulted in the entire appraisal done... the decision to leave now would not be swayed by whatever she is offering or has given me now in 2011. As far back as 2010, I had already decided that I couldn't work under this boss and the industry is not one that I have taken to, despite 2.5 years of trying.
Anyway, after she had composed for a while, we talked about why I wanted to leave, where I obviously, told her partial truths... I was frank about where I was going, as she knew both my new supervisor and boss, so there wasn't anything to hide.
So I left the cubicle, with a pounding migraine, and until today, as more and more people find out that I am about to leave, the fact that I have finally resigned and am serving notice and that I will no longer work in this organization, is really sinking in. And I realize that my migraine just keeps going on and on.
And my usually very focused and stone hearted boss looks depressed, with significantly reduced energy level. I wonder if I am delusional in imagining that she is sad... Anyway, I feel bad. I won't change my mind as I know the next step is one that I want to take.. but I feel bad at having caused hurt and of course, I know I will miss the colleagues that I am closer to currently.
Ah well, life moves on... I hope my migraine goes away soon. Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic. Right?
3 comments:
There is really no good time to resign, frankly. I've been on both ends and both ends suck.
you could have caught your boss at a pretty bad time, methinks, the crying is probably all the pent up stress in her own personal work, and you leaving only adds another thing to her list of stress. fact is that whoever leaves always leaves things for people to clean up after. It's really nobody's fault. The boss will get over it, and so will you.
peace out.
syncoID
Maybe pent up stress for work, her personal life seems to be well under control... but yeah... it's always tough when changes happen at work and a gap is introduced.
I am just hoping that it's a series of many things that caused her to burst into tears and that my resignation was just the perennial "Straw that broke the camel's back", but not THE reason.
Ah well, as I'd FBed.. What's done cannot be undone.. so *deep breaths* and soon it would be all over and forgotten and I will wonder why I was feeling angsty...
It's called guilt. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, but someone's gotta play it sometime.
Synco
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