Someone once told me...

 Someone once told me...

if you want to have a point of view and you are not prepared to face feedback or arguements on it, write a blog post. And while what I am writing is more of a diary entry (sort of...) that possible wouldn't bring forth arguments or contrary points of views, it is a rather self-reflective piece that I wouldn't mind feedback on, but perhaps, not in the context of a FB/Ig/whatever social media would possible give... 

So this morning, I woke up to news on facebook that a certain ex-colleague of mine (shall call him A) has passed away. And I feel depressed... 

To provide context... I started my own business about 5 years ago. So that means, I left my last place of employment about 5+ years... working in a rather big organisation, A was a colleague that I had engaged with perhaps less than 10 times, chatted with perhaps 5. But he was one of the nicer sales manager around and sincere (very lacking nowadays)... I had hoped that he would get promoted as he was not of those who gave no care to service and the people around him in the pursuit of meeting sales targets. 

Press forward 5 years... I first learnt that A was not good perhaps a few months back, before this whole Covid19 saga. An ex colleague mentioend that he has fallen ill, but he is fighting it, and this was like a hush hush news, as A didn't want to spread the news. And I didn't think so much about it, other than, yes, it is very stressful to work in a big organisation and in a sales role... and I justified to myself (not that I was in sales) that this is one of the reasons why I left. And then I promptly forgot about it... 

Just last week, another ex-colleague, let's call him L, texted me in the morning to say, he is no longer keeping his sickness under wraps and his family has opened up to visitors. L was asked whether he would visit but he had declined as they were not that close. Now, when I heard of it, I too declined, as really, I am not even very sure if A even remembered who I was. 

On that very day, I went to visit my mom in the hospital (nothing serious, just check ups due to a health scare) and when I was leaving the hospital, I saw a huge crowd of people on the ground level, registering and queueing up to visit. And they were my ex-colleagues. I spotted a few I knew, walked over and learned that they were visiting A. They asked if I was, and I said no... but I have heard of the situation, yadda yadda... and then after talking to them abit, I felt awkward to be hanging around and commiserating about a colleague that I was not even particularly close to, and I left. 

And I felt bad. 

I felt bad not because I didn't visit, logic says to me to allow other closer colleagues and friends that time with A, and he would appreciate that too, instead of a distant ex-colleague that he barely remembers, whose sole purpose would be to make myself feel good for I managed to say my goodbyes. I felt bad for A, I felt bad for his family who would have to lose him, I felt bad for colleagues and friends who have to deal with the loss of a buddy... 

And today, after knowing that he has passed on... I wonder what is to become of his family.. I hope he left them financially comfortable... I hope this young daughters are able to grow up well in the absence of a father, I hope his wife is able to get over this and grow stronger for herself and for her family. 

On the selfish side, I then wonder once again, what would I do if I found out I only had months to live? I left my job to start my own company when I last asked myself this question. Then I asked myself, as I increasingly grapple with issues that comes with running your own company, revenue, profits, manpower issues... whether, this was what I wanted. 

And if this is what I wanted, how then can I be at peace with myself. So that I know, if I had a few months left to live, I am doing what I want to do, I am happy, I am at peace... 

I once told my family and some friends, don't feel sad for me if I were to meet with an accident and died, for I am happy and I am doing what I want to do... just make sure to take care of my parents and dogs... for I have no other worries in life. 

I have decided, this equilibrium, needs to be re-calibrated from time to time. And perhaps, now is the right time to do so...