Being Zi Lian

I am a very zi lian and competitive person. I hate the idea of not winning. I hate the idea that someone looks down on me. Especially if that someone is a person whom I respect. In fact, even if that someone is not someone that I respect.

weird huh.. I crave for recognition and acknowledgement. It is so lame and loser. That's why.. I've always admired those who have absolute faith in themselves. and who're always confident. for some, its a farce, a front that they have created for themselves. For others, its for real. I don't always like them, but hey, I really admire the spunk they have.

Back to me... why can I not do a good job, and just be glad that I've done a good job? Why do I NEED someone to tell me, "eh, good job, well done." then i feel good? Similarly, if someone comes and tell me. "You didn't put in enough effort" I would feel demoralised that whole day.

Maybe I should go for some self confidence course. hahaha.. so that I dun need to rely on the people around me so much, and learn to trust myself more. and to believe that if I feel that I've done well, than that is so. I do not need someone to tell me what I already know.

Ah well... it all stems from the phrase, "I will prove to the world that I am good." Why prove to the world if you already know that you're good? Is there really a need to? What about singers? they sing, and if nobody acknowledges that they have sung well, would they still be happy?

I know.. there're many other factors involved.

An acquaintance once said, "Money is just a way of keeping score" You need to assess how well you've done. and in some cases, esp in weird jobs with weird jobscopes, you realise that there is no real way of assessing how well you've done. Which leaves you with only one option. Money.

I hated that guy's guts, back then, still do. But I sorta see the reasoning behind this statement.

Nvm.. ramblings over.. snap back to reality.. oop there goes gravity.. oop there goes gravity..