Performance Appraisal

So I had my mid year appraisal... and it was a rather devastating one. In fact, I think I have never had such a terrible terrible one in my entire life.

For a person who generally works hard, is quite intelligent and able to get things done, has pretty okay EQ, and is good at getting things done... it was an extremely harsh appraisal.

I was told of course, "You are doing well. I think you should keep it up." And as the conversation continued and I pressed for the reason on why I am not getting a promotion and why there doesn't seem to be anything in store for me... I got the "You are not ready..."

That is of course, bloody sad in my opinion, since my next rank is still within the same "tier", meaning, it is not like I am moving into a leadership position. Staging position yes. Actual leadership, not yet. And so... the reasons cited like "I haven't seen your leadership skills", "You are not aggressive enough (her style, not mine)", "You are not ready", "You lack visibility (which is also her fault, not mine, since she is the one that distributes the work, 'side, I think it's her perception.)", etc.

And it eventually led to something similar. In a previous, more casual conversation between myself, this other colleague and her, we had mentioned that life is unfair since some other colleagues (similar job scope) from another division was getting promoted, when they have not done much or performed well at all. Her answer, "You are not going to get this here. If promotion is what you want, you can join the other department."

Once again, during my performance appraisal, for another department within the same division this time, she told me, "I feel you are not ready. If you really want to be promoted, you can go and join XX team." I feel like I have been slapped again.

All I can say is, "Fuck you lah..." So all that I have done is nothing lah. You know what the good part is, at least now I can see clearly. I have been working hard for nothing. I will not be getting anything from her. In fact, a lot of my other colleagues, whom I see slogging away, have received nothing from her as well, and obviously, no "honey" coming my way as well.

If that is the case, I shall have to take a deep breath.. "Thank you for the opportunities you have given me all this while. I have learnt a lot this past nearing 2 years, and I hope my contribution was worth your poaching me from the previous company and justifies your action. It is however, apparent that I will soon outlive my usefulness to your plan to climb the ladder. Maybe the aggressiveness was insufficient, and so you realize that I cannot fight some of the battles you want, and that win-win scenarios is not what you are seeking. more of you win, they lose type of outcome. I am sorry that it is truly not in my DNA and I cannot change myself. I can change working style, I can change reporting style, I can change many things. But I cannot change my character. Personality and even temperament, to a certain extent, but not character." So...

I shall have to look forward. Rotation I can ask for in 4 months time, if I am not able to get a job elsewhere within this period. I know what jobs to apply for, but barring that... where should I rotate to then? Within the division, Outside? It's a really tough question...